What is ?

In a classroom there were several kids, when one of them asked the teacher:

- Teacher, what is LOVE ?

The teacher felt the kid deserved the best answer she could give to that intelligent question. Since it was almost time for a break, she asked every student to go around the school and come back with something that would bring the feeling of love.

The kids rushed out the classroom, and when they came back the teacher said:

- So, I want everybody to show what you brought to the whole class.

The first kid said:

- I brought this FLOWER, isn't it beautiful ?

The second kid said:

- I brought this BUTTERFLY. Look at these colorful wings, I am gonna put it in my collection !

The third kid said:

- I brought this YOUNG BIRD. It had fallen with another one from the nest. Isn't it cute ?

And the kids were showing what they brought.

After almost everybody had showed their discoveries, the teacher noticed that there was a kid who had been quiet all the time. She was ashamed because she had not brought anything.The teacher went to her and asked:

- My dear, why haven't you brought anything ?

She then answered in an innocent voice:

- I am sorry teacher. I saw the FLOWER, and felt its perfume. I was going to take it, but I preffered to leave it so its perfume would last longer and others could feel it. I also saw the BUTTERFLY, soft, colorful..she seemed so happy that I did not want to disturb it. I also saw the YOUNG BIRD that had fallen between the leafs, but as I climbed the tree, I noticed the said look of it's mother, so I decided to return it to the nest. Therefore, I only bring with me: the perfume of the flower, the feeling of liberty of the butterfly and the gratefulness of the look of the little bird's mother. How can I show you what I brought?

The teacher thanked the young kid and gave her an A, because she was the only one that realized that we can only bring LOVE in our hearts.

Not Just 3 Mistakes

No I did not read the book this time. But the title caught my mind at the right time I think. Sometimes I think my life has been a collection of mistakes. Every now and then I realized I am making a mistake but the best part was, I did that anyway.You must make mistakes to learn, to grow and to believe. Sometimes a mistake created a void in my life which only grew bigger as I met new people, made new relations. Nothing,no one has ever been able to fill that void and I wont let anyone to do that it either.

Magic of Love - 1

I was reading a quote about love and told 1 of my friend about it. She immediately stopped doing whatever she was doing and the first thing she did was, forwarded that quote to one she loved. That was then I thought about the magic of love. Is not it amazing? You hear something and the picture of someone appears instantly. Its very hard to explain what you feel when you are in love. For me its impossible because I never fell in love with anyone. May be that was unfortunate or may be fortunate. But whatever I've heard from people aroung me like this friend of mine I will tell you. And also about the longing which I feel sometimes.

1. 1 of my friend told me, when you are in love small things add up to one magical world. I dont know what he meant at that time because those talks really bored me at those times and above all he was a shit-head(oops). But now I realize what that fool means. He wanted to tell me that everything seems to be special when you are in love. I remembered him ordering 2 glasses on juice in mess all times, the 1 that he drinks was paid by her and vice versa. He use to find reasons to show his love and surprisingly that senseless gal use to do same. I saw him watching intently towards her room in girls hostel. Fortunately for him girls hostel was close enough to have a clear vision ;). But his reason was love. For him love has created a magical world out of small things. There were many incidents but space does not allow me to tell them.

2. He was weird/philosophical but 1 thing that made him common was love. He was a different species of lovers, the one sided ones. And the amazing part was he was happy. Just being in touch with her made him happy. I saw sparks flowing out of his eyes whenever he saw her, talked with her. He often told me "when you are in love, everything seems fine. World is a better place." I use to wonder how. Now I realize how. Whenever he was angry, he reached to her and everything was fine. Whenever he was sad, he talked to her and everthing was fine. Everything about world was fine because she was the part of his world. In fact she was his world I guess. Fortunately she also realized that, although after 1 boyfriend, but they are living happily. An ideal example of "Love will find its way".:)

3. He was the one whom I least suspected will fall in love. He was a looser(Although lesser than me since he at least got 1). But someone once told me "Love transforms and if its true, it does that for good." He just sat with a girl once in class. She realized he was a looser because somehow he is not able to understand things being taught in class. And the reason was he was not from an English medium. Most of girls will never entertain such a guy. But she did. She explained her everything, sometimes more than required ;).(You dirty minds.) And he started doing wonders. This was the first time I have seen love growing. It was not for looks, it was for two souls destined to converge into one.Continued...

Happiness is Easy :)

If you will look around, you'll see where you can find happiness. Dont ever look at me. I smile without any reasons and I do have a whole stack of PJs.

1st Smile: The first one who smiled was me. While I was going to office I saw a girl waking up at 11 O'clock. She just opened the door and the first face she saw was of me. She smiled I smiled back.(Am I a clown?)

2nd Smile: I like watchin out of window while I travel to office. I saw 1 kid running behind other. They were both laughing. Happiness is easy you see.

3rd Smile: A college couple holding their hands. They were both talking and smiling. The thing about being in love is you Smile even when you are alone. Isn't it amazing?

4th Smile: I reached office and everyone was smiling. Okay now this is a professional smile but anyway we smiled.

5th Smile: I was taking a break and a half paralysed old man asked where Dr. X and Dr. Y are? He was smiling constantly. I asked him twice what he was saying. I was lost in his smile. This is amazing again. People who somehow are incapable make up with things which capable people find difficult. How hard is smiling?

6th Smile: While coming back to home I was listening songs on headphone and making weird songs. Two kids in front of start giggling and soon they were laughing,smiling and singing and ofcourse teasing me. Yeah I am a clown. Although they did not even know any word of Hindi. But the song they were singing was "Aashiq Banaya Aapne". Himesh there is nowhere escaping you:(.Since the time I started my day to the end of it there were many instances where I saw happiness. You see happiness is not that much difficult. Just look around and feel. Dont think you are confused, you are just inquisitive.

Gopeshwar

When I get bored by work and reading I just anonymously google. And this time I read about the place I born, Gopeshwar. I still remember the fields in Gopeshwar gaon where I use to run around, fight with kids, play cricket and reach home with so much dirt on me. Those were really golden moments. But the place I most remember is the Gopinath temple. Its trident or Trishul which I use to think was of Lord Shiva. The trident dates back to 12th century and still has no sign of rust. Amazing!!! Then the Big Hanuman Statue. The magnicient dome, the sanctoram, the Ramlila, the daily pooja(prayer). Its really hard to forgot.
The legend told me that we being born in Gopeshwar has blessings of Gopinath, Lord Shiva. I always felt protected in the temple when I was kid. I use to wonder about big stones so neatly cut and the engravings on it. My Naniji(maternal grand mother) told me that the temple was built by Pandavas themselves, otherwise no human being can lift such big stones.
I also remember the Ramlilas where I use to put my cloth in front of stall. That was kind of seat booking in North India. Although as I grew up I realized those were boring. But the stories Naniji told me were really awesome. She told me the meaning of my name with reference to Hanuman ji and I felt very proud. There are million of things that I can tell about my childhood in Gopeshwar. For me it'll be 1 of the most beautiful and memorable place for me.

Change

Life,not me, has changed a lot for me since I left Srinagar. Although none of my friends who met me here in NCR failed to recognize me. According to them I am the same Atul of SGRR. I met 1 of my close friends after 8 years. He is 6 feet tall now and 4 girlfriends old and still counting. And when he saw me, his face changed from shock to amusement and then happiness. And when I told him I don’t even have a girlfriend. He mourned for half an hour and still mourns on phone. According to his philosophical self, I am in deep grief and the reason is because I don’t have a girlfriend. What a crap. I wonder how much people change with time. And y haven’t I changed?
I was born and brought up in small towns of Garhwal and in my times just helping a girl to carry her bag was a social issue. Immediately my teachers told my parents because it was their duty to protect a studious kid.(Again a crap.)And then my parents teased me very badly for about a week and I wondered what happened. I was just a kid. Even your friends will kill you for that. So I did not even help another girl after that:). But with time I matured much faster than kids of my age. I had a better understanding of relations than others. But this maturity robbed me of my spark and ofcourse innocence.
Talking about change, some of my friends changed drastically. I talked to 1 of my school friend as she was also in Gurgaon. This was the first time I talked with her since in school I was rather shy. She was speaking in English. Come on. She barely got pass marks in English. I think its the call center effect or the delhi effect. Delhi affects small town people a lot. They become free and restless ;). Some manage to hold their integrity, some cannot.

June 26 2008

Yesterday 3 things happenend one after another:

1st: People around me are sad. But I wish everthing becomes normal.

2nd: I met an accident for the first time in Gurgaon:)and doctor said nothing happened. A car hit on my leg while I was riding on bike with my friend. Batao...

3rd: Yesterday also, for the first time in my life I wore Pink Shorts. Who in the world wears pink shorts :(.

In times of Grief and sorrow

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you,
and take your grief and make it my own;
When you cry, I cry,
and when you hurt, I hurt;
And together we will
try to hold back the floods of tears and despair
and make it through the potholed streets of life.”
- From ‘The Notebook’ by Nicholas

Missing someone is really painful. And the worst part is if you can only miss and nothing else.

Being Alone

I am writing after a long time since for the 1st time here in Gurgaon I am not feeling nice. Today is 1 of those days when I sit and don't feel like doing anything. I tried watching "My Sassy Girl" but the feeling was not there. I was not able to enjoy the movie so I switched to next movie "Just Like Heaven". And then the feeling of being lonely crept again and more strongly this time. The hero was alone and the only one he got to talk was a ghost. What a jerk. I don't know whether its a blessing or curse but when I come back home today I wanted to talk to someone. I tried calling some but then I felt not to. I am feeling very bad for even trying to call them at night. I am sorry. I somehow don't want to accept some facts,some changes,the truth and thus I think even God is working hard to make me accept those. Nobody will like to talk to a whining guy whose relation is a burden to them or I feel that way if its not. Many time I felt a relation not worthy of carrying on or I can say I did not deserve that relation. I am on that crossroad again. Its not love in relation that hurts but its the expectations. Sometimes you expect too much out of a relation, out of life that... Oh forget it what a crap. Its time to move on. I always liked people who have many friends. I tried to be like them but in vain. I changed myself in that quest but in vain. No matter how close I can be with someone, I can never bind. I don't know why. May be its a self preservation kind of thing :). And the worst part is I can't even sleep before a fixed time. Life sucks man, life really sucks now.

My Mom

Hmmm… I have not been to my home from past 2 years coz I was inbangalore n never felt like coming. But now I am in Gurgaon, so closeto my home Dehradun but still not able to go :(...For me home means Mom:)… I wonder how moms know everything before handmay be coz we, children are a part of them. I still remember timeswhen I was a kid and I use to cry when my mom use to. I don't know why but may be its coz we are so much bonded that we can feel the samepain that they are feeling or may be a child thinks that the best wayto share her pain. Whatever may be the reason but still the factremains the same that mother and child are divinely interconnected. Oras I said since we are part of them.Even today whenever I talk to her I make sure I do not sound negativeor exhausted coz she then has a whole list of things that I must do.Wake up in morning, always think positive, pray to God for things hehas given me……. There were times when I failed to achieve whatever Iwanted to but she never lost trust in me and as mothers do she againhas a long list of inspirational talks. Everything happens for good,look at other underprivileged children they don't even have food toeat, God has decided something better for you, work hard, everythingwill fall into place………..She always want me to believe in God and thinks everything will bealright if I just pray 1 time a day which surprisingly I do. If thereis one person with whom I do not speak logic she is my mom. Somehowshe also believes that I am very samajdar and so she talks with mewhenever she feels low.
She is very cute though and never looses any opportunity to crackjokes on me or bhaiya or papa. Generally I skip lunch on weekends dueto my laziness and she somehow came to know about that too. So 1 dayshe was angry and she came to know that again that day I skippedbreakfast and lunch she bombarded me with whatever words she canthought off. Although she kind of let her whole frustration about mebut again I was rolling on floor with laughter.

where women are held in esteem

From Swami Vivekananda's letter to Shashi (Swami Ramakrishnanda), 19th March, 1884:

[...] I now see it all. Brother, यत्र नार्यस्तु पूज्यन्ते रमन्ते तत्र देवता :- "The gods are pleased where the women are held in esteem" -- says the old Manu. We are horrible sinners, and our degradation is due to our calling women "despicable worms", "gateways to hell", and so forth. Goodness gracious! There is all the difference between heaven and hell! यथातथ्यत्योर्थान व्यद्घात -- "He adjudges gifts according to the merits of the case." Is the Lord to be hoodwinked by idle talk? The Lord has said, त्व स्त्री त्व पुमानसी त्वं कुमार उत वा कुमारी -- "Thou art the woman, Thou art the man, Thou art the boy and the girl as well." (Shwetashwatara Upa.) And we on our part are crying, दुराम्परापसर रे चंडाल -- "Be off, thou outcaste!" केनैषा नीर्मिता नारी मोहिनी etc. -- "By whom was made the bewitching woman?" My brother, what experiences I have had in the South, of the upper classes torturing the lower! What Bacchanalian orgies within the temples! Is it a religion that fails to remove the misery of the poor and turn men into gods! Do you think our religion is worth the name? Ours is only Don't-touchism, only "Touch me not", "Touch me not". Good heavens! A country, the big leaders of which have for the last two thousand years been only discussing whether to take food with the right hand or the left, whether to take water from the right-hand side or the left, ... if such a country does not go to ruin what other will? कालः सुप्तेषु जागर्ति कालो हि दुरतिक्रमः -- "Time keeps wide awake when all else sleeps. Time is invincible indeed!" He knows it; who is there to throw dust in His eyes, my friend?

Gurgaon ki hawa

With a dramatic turn of events I found myself in Gurgawaan(Beans says it like that. Testing her singing skills on gurgaon I think). I mean I was having a good Sunday afternoon sleep in Bangalore and then got a call that I have to go to Gurgaon that very night J. Somehow I am use to of these sudden changes. So next day, when I woke up I found myself at a place where I was craving to go from last 3 years. Although reasons changed with time but still I wanted to come here.
First week was as usual, hectic and exciting. Telling everyone that I am here. Only selected few knew that I was here. And as I thot the weekend was like I always dreamed of. Going out, meeting friends, running here and there J. And somewhere in the back of my mind my eyes were searching for someone I was always searching for.
So, the weekend was very rocking in comparison to wat I use to do in Bangalore. I went Noida, chatted with friends till 4 o’clock, goti bhai k hath ka kadi chawal aur Sunday ko mani k sath shopping cum chatting cum roaming. She is really nice, above my expectations. She has talks for any issue on earth J.
The change was really refreshing. Now I am eagerly waiting for meeting more of my friends this weekend too. Keeping my fingers crossed.

1st of April 2008

hmmm...My last entry was unknowingly(by me) a bit negative... I did not mean it to be that way I just wanted to spill my heart out n this happens this way if you are alone...U say many things you dont want to say... It's not that I am depressed or frustrated... I was just bored of life at that moment and the feeling passed away when the phone rang just after that... So many cool things happened after that and believe me those were not because of the blog... As this boring weekend was coming to an end, an unexpected phone call came from a friend :)... This is really strange though, the person who have never seen you or met you sometimes understand you much better than those who do... And you can talk with them as if you know them for ages... I guess this is how a life connects to another... A circle of life kind of thing...

And then the other day I got a surprise too... Oh, its a secret not to be told... The one who need to be, knows it anyway...

I dont know where the turn of events will end up... But one thing is sure, some people just leave the footprints in your life... Hope to see you soon friend...I am still figuring out how the one who have never met me or only seen me can understand what I feel and when...

Then there is this destiny thing... I dont want to rely on destiny because I did not want to take any chances now. What if things did not happen the way we want them to? What if everything would have better if we have tried... I have no choice but respect the decision because there is nothin better that I can do now except wait... It sounds childish though...

I know most of the part you won't understand...Coz I dont want to...

I almost finished the Deathly Hallows too...Hmmm I like a diverse variety of books and I never knew the reason why...I liked FountainHead, Alchemist, Q & A, All Harry Potter series, Zahir etc...

Ha...Jaise taise I spend 1 more week of my life...Living inside my room...In college when I was in a single seater room in my hostel I use to hate it coz it was small n did'nt have much space...But now we have a 2 BHK in Bangalore n I hate it too for being so big that whn I m alone it haunts me...Strange feeling though...

I am thinking weird stuff now a days...The more I think of not thinking abt :), the more I find myself thinking abt :)...For all my life I longed for a someone like :), but when I found, I was dumb enough to let :) go...yeah I made mistakes n realized that life is all about choices. I choose to be what I am now, if not everybody... The more I talk to anyone n think, the more I realize how far I've come,how much I've changed... But 1 thing which I always wanted to change n it never changed... The part of :) in me... It will never let me b alone but it'll never let me with anyone else... Whenever I meet or talk with anyone else I realize the part(of :)) in me is getting jealous...

I often find people asking me what did u do in weekend n those r d times whn u think let d cracks open in earth n swallow u coz u've no answers... wat can I say "I dont have any friends. Blah blah blah"...Those r all lies, d fact is I dont want to...I like 2 b alone...I dont like to go out...Y is it necessary to go out on weekend if u r a software guy...This engineer thing sumtimes piss me off...

I am reading Harry Potter n deathly Hallows... Atleast there is sumthin dat I still enjoy otherwise I was in utter belief that i dont feel now(well most of the muggles think that I dont feel anymore:))...

28th March 2008

The same shit happens again and again...Again you think that a hope is there but you know that there is no hope... There is a great deal of difference between emotions and logic... One gives you reality, other a dream...
I am fed of this emotions and all... These things pull me down... These things make me sad... These things give me hope...
Life sucks and so do I...:)...
I am so much confused... I dont know what to do... life ne muje kabhi seriously nahi liya aur na maine kabhi life ko... Marenge dono ek din...

Whenever I love myself

Whenever I love myself enough
I come to see that I am not special, but I am unique

Whenever I love myself enough
I love being alone surrounded by silence, awed by its spell listening to its spell.

Whenever I loved myself enough
I took the gift of life seriously and gratefully

Whenever I love myself enough
I quit settling for too little

Whenever I love myself enough
I no longer need things or people to make me safe.

Whenever I love myself enough
I stop blaming myself for choices I made-which made me feel safe and start taking responsibility of those.

Whenever I love myself enough
I travel just for the scenic ride.

Whenever I love myself enough
I leave whatever was unhealthy. This could be ego, showoff, people, habits, fear, job-anything that keeps me small.

Whenever I love myself enough
I gave up perfectionism- that kills little joyous moments.

When I loved myself enough
I never had to lie.

When I loved myself enough
I could understand the meaning of winning the presence of God and let it be within you.

Whenever I love myself enough
I started writing about my life there is nothing interesting than that.

Whenever I love myself enough
I began to see my purpose and gently wean myself from distractions.

Whenever I love myself enough
I stopped caring how others feel about me.

Whenever I love myself enough
I could love everything around me, nature, people, weather, life.

27th March 2008

another day w/0 ur smile...another day just passes by...
he he he...

I always think abt this weird song...I've never seen a looser like me b4 in my life...I had 92 percentile in CAT and i didn't even see that because I thot I wont score...can u believe that...

Today is same old day...I am getting transferred and this KT kind of thing is really pissing me off...Today I read a blog n I am glad I read that(No offense B...:))...I thot only I use to spend weekends like that...But the pblm with me is I enjoy living like that now...she doesn't...she reminded me of many things...Things from which/whom I always ran away...I pretended to be strong but I was not...I pretended I dont need but I do...

But that's life...sapne purey hi ho jaate to unhe sapne kaun kehta...this is my copyright line:)...yeah I think weird stuffs now a days...hmmmm...no...I always think weird stuff...

I am bored with life...

a looser who is not a looser at all...

I walked a mile wit sorrow,n nvr a word said she...but Oh things i learned frm her whn sorrow walked wit me...

This is a futile attempt from a looser to do something he always wanted to but he is different from other losers in a way that he never looses hope.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

...Robert Frost.

Well, I am what I am. I have travelled a long way to see this day. I am just a boy next door who has dreams which I thot were foolish. I never thot wat I want from life. I took it as it came. I dont kno wats goin to happen in my life as many unexpected things happened but thats life. A constant adventure(like Luffy says in One Piece). A struggle. A surprise. I am surprising myself. Life is surprising me. (It’s a vicious circle I tell you).

I am one of the laziest person I’ve ever met but sumhow my life also sounds like a story. althou I tried my best to keep it as simple and meaningless as i can.

About Me:

I am really fed up of this question. After giving 100′s of interviews and getting rejected, this question brings a shiver in my body starting from my hand to deep within my soul. But guess no escaping from this question.

Who am I:
I am Atul Rawat, but called by many different names some I love some I hate.  So you can call me whatever you mind, I dont give a damn.

Why am I here:
Lonely weekends, extra time, a sea of thoughts and an urge for writing are responsible for this blog. I use this as a medium to share what I feel, to make new friends and to kill my time.

What’s here:
Here you will find blogs about my loneliness, about sudden outburst for feelings like love, hate, happiness, sadness, and of course a girl, some songs that I love, some poems that I have read, some photos that I saw.

What am I:
I am a Data Analyst by profession, a software engineer by education and a mix of devil-angel by heart. I am a loner, an avid reader(or so I think), an aspiring writer(yeah why not!), a dreamer(only a dreamer, I dont act on it), an easy lover(I didn’t find any word. I mean to say I love very easily. If anything I have to give others it’s love), a pessimist (it’s not a bad thing) and a great/honest friend(so they say).

Places where you can find me:
If this means physically. I’ll be at my office on weekdays and home (in a particular room with an internet connection, a laptop, a mattress lying on floor, a table, a chair and a lamp cover given by one of my friends, a surprisingly close friend(or so I think), she is weird) on weekends. Except these places don’t expect me to be anywhere else. In blog world you can again read me at http://www.atulrawat.wordpress.com, http://mainhoonaurnahinbhi.blogspot.in