Burden in My Heart

“What the hell?” I muttered. I burnt my fingers again. It’s a weekend and I was pathetically trying to cook. So,I thought its better I eat outside as usual. Within 15 minutes I was in Mc D. “Hello Sir! Can I take your order?” greeted the Mc D boy. I think they recognise me by now, I am a regular face you see. “Ofcourse you can.” I said. And smiles all around.” I will decide in a minute.” I said. “Sure Sir.” The boy replied smiling as if he is happy that he will not be taking my order. I wonder whether they are trained in “Smiling” too. “Boy you are useless.” Smile. “Boy I am useless.” Smile.
“I want one Maharaja and one medium coke.”

“So you are quick to choose now.” Now that sounds familiar. I turned back and there she was.

“Hi. aaaa… Ambika.”

“Is it so hard to recall my name, Chandru?” And all smiles. “Sir your order.” These Mc D boys sometimes seem to me the happiest guys on earth.

“Oh yes! Can I take your order? What do you want?”

“It’s okay, I will give my own order. You go and sit somewhere.” It’s 4 years since I left the college but I guess some things never change. She is still the boss.

Within 5 minutes she was over my head. “Can I sit with you?” “Oh! Yes.”*(Like I had any other choice.)* “Are you shocked or what?”

“No, just, it was unexpected. So what are you doing in Bangalore?”

“Same as you, working. I was sent for a project. This market is nearest to our guest house so I thought to roam. Feeling hungry so came to Mc D.”
I started devouring my burger with proper sound effects.

“You still do not know how to eat.”
“Oh sorry.”
“So how is life? Still single?”
“Yes.”

I don’t know what is wrong with her eyes, but I have never been able to make contact with those two sources of light which I always felt protruding into my soul. Her eyes always seem moist to me. Earlier I thought its because she is “I can cry anytime” girl, then I thought no may be her eyes are showing sympathy for a looser like me but later I realized it’s love that has made her eyes so lively for me. So from that day onwards I restrained myself from looking into her eyes.

“Are you still afraid to make eye contact with me?” Asked Ambika. *(What are you a mind reader, I thought in my mind.)*
Within 5 minutes I finished my burger and she was still playing with hers.

“Well then! I will see you around.”

“Yes. Of course. By the way, although you did not ask but let me tell you. I am married. My husband works in the same company as mine.”

“Oh congratulations. Bye.” Those Mc D boys were still laughing, I hope on me. This time I did not smile back.

Slowly,I went outside Mc D, took a deep breath, look into the sky. There are times when even your mind does not know which emotion to choose to show,to reflect on your face. I took steps towards my home. Those steps were the heaviest I had ever taken.

– Atul

Weird thoughts (18 June 2009)

I do not know what to write about. I had many things in my mind, but not now :) . Today is 18th of June 2009. It’s weird how time flies by, how we forget others with time, how others want to forget us with time. It’s weird how close we feel with someone very far away and how far we feel when we are close to someone. Sometimes it feels like ages have passed away and sometimes it feels it just happened yesterday. It’s weird right? A person so close is just a contact in your address book, which even you don’t remember its there. Sometimes I just surf around my address book to check whether I am still holding on or I have moved ahead. Most of the time I find myself holding on. Hope is weird too, it assures you of something will happen or someone will come back. You hope, you wait, you dream, you live, and then one day you forget everything when the hope fades away. Have you loved someone, have you not? Do you miss a part of your life, or do you realize that part even exist? Are you brave enough to face the truth or will you just pretend to be brave to move on? It will not matter after sometime. But it’s okay, this is life. It moves on, so do we, so does everyone. What we can do is, to be grateful for what happened, and LEARN. At the most, we can remember as long as we can because even if we do move on or forget, what we experienced(or felt) at the very moment was real/true, even if it was for once.

P.S. to u: If you are by chance feeling sorry or something, I am not angry on you :) , I can never be. Your decision was best at the time, as per your understanding. I would have done the same, if at your place. Hope you have moved on. You will always be dear to me. And if there is any regret, please don’t. I’ll not be in peace if you keep regretting. Don’t be angry too, i felt like writing it :) for the same peace.

Rain

It was the 1st time since he proposed her, that he was holding her hands and was so close to her. As soon as they went out, it started raining heavily. So to run for a shelter,he caught her palm but did not let go even when they reached to a shelter. After a minute of observing the moment, he said ” Do you know, it was raining that day too, when I first talked to you.”

“Yes I do.”

“What ? So why were you so cold towards me back then. I thought you don’t even know me. “

“I am a girl. I wanted to be sure.”

After a minute’s silence, she said “Do you know, when I saw you for the first time, I believed we will be in love someday? “

“Yes I do.”

“Huh?”

“That was why I was running around you. It was love I knew.”

– Atul

Holi? Just another day

On this day(Holi) sitting on my office I was working with all my best efforts but suddenly many things crept into my mind. For me it was same old day. Since last 9 years it never mattered to me whether its Holi or Diwali or any other occasion. I live each day like any other day. Coming to think about it I am not alone. I have friends, who take me too much for granted and they say I mean a lot to them. Hell Yes!!! Friends who leave me when they want to and then give their best wishes for my future. My future would have been better if I have not found them on the first place. Life is full of ironies as you may see. Love is now not anything that is felt, it is a well calculated step measured with all pros and cons(And then they say with all due respect, they are in love) People whine with me and when I do the same they say I am weak.