Saturday, November 29, 2008

Terror and thoughts

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With the time like this when every Indian is in shock. I can think of nothing to write. These days are really traumatic for every person who are going through terrorism. Whom to blame, whom not to. what can be done and how? these questions will hover in every person's mind for a long time. Wounds will stop bleeding but they will take a long time to heal. When such things happen, you get afraid of loosing. Well I am!!! So I thought of many things these days and one was what will happen if I go. I know this sounds negative but being a human I can't stop my mind to think weird things. So here is what I thought about my will.
1. My mobile and laptop: :) they have already been taken care of by a thief and since I don’t love my new mobile so I don’t care who takes it.
2. My diary: My diary has many secrets of mine. Some of them I don’t want to just vanish. So it will go to M. To M since she is the 1 who can respect the emotions bound with the words I’ve written there. Although I know she won’t understand a bit but still she will respect it thinking it is something important.
3. My orkut and Gmail account: Since no one has the password so I think it’ll be safe. Please stop writing scraps because I don’t want comments if you do not feel anything. Just read the poem in about me and leave immediately.
4. My photo album: Give it to M again and let her decide what to do with it.
5. Rest: Please burn down everything else. I don’t want anyone to keep any other thing of mine and feel bad. Be happy celebrate being alive. Happiness is what I long for. :)
6. Confessions: M:- Be happy always. Everything changes with time. Live with the character you have. Don’t let others change you. That is what I want.
Bean:- Your hysterical laugh is amazing, with your PJs. I hope you won’t mind if I have a huge crush on you sometime :P.
B:- I was always sorry for what I did but I always hoped you’ll understand why I did what I did :). By the way I am really happy with the change in your life.
K:- Tu mera sabse accha aur mazedar dost hai. He he he. Keep rolling.

P.S. : Sorry again if the blog is too negative. But this blog is just the outcome of loneliness that a guy feels on weekends with the outrage for what happened in Mumbai. Its just imagination. So dont’t frown.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Things I have done so Far...

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Bold the ones you’ve done.(Someone asked me to do this crap. So here it is....)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars(Actually we did not find any place to sleep that night :) )
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero(Spiderman :) )
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music (Correction, actually recorded a song in my own voice :) )
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than INDIA
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper (Had my name thrice in 2 local Hindi newspapers)
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life(Sort of)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Ek Bimaar ki Yaaden :)

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Things that I remember from my past:

1. The road down to the river from my school at Srinagar. And the view of river from there.
2. The path to which I use to go to school in Srinagar.
3. My Classrooms.
4. The tree at the middle of the ground under which we use to sit, stare and laugh horribly with friends.
5. Jungle book.
6. Gola Bazaar.
7. G.I. and T.I. :)
8. Friends.(tarun,ashu,kallu,jittu......)
9. Roaming after tuitions.... And the list goes on...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Magic Of Love Part - 2

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P.S. I Love You

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Okay... So the story goes this way... I have a huge crush on this girl... Well!!! Why? See because I am a boy who is single and she is a really nice and beautiful... She is definitely not me and whoever is definitely not me and of opposite sex I am bound to have a crush on her :) ...
So the qualities that I admire in her... See if a girl is that much beautiful you are bound to find a quality in her... So she has some qualities.

Quality No. 1: She is dumb(technically). Now the boy's perspective goes like this. If a gal is dumb, she is cute(and if a boy is dumb he must be avoided). But her dumbness is only related to techie kind of things, for rest of the things we will touch later.

Quality No. 2: She can cook well. Now whoever shithead has said that way to man's heart goes through his stomach. He was right.

Quality No. 3: She has a sense of humour. Its rare that you find sense of humour in a gal. Although her jokes are PJs but since her cuteness quotient is so high you are bound to laugh.

Quality No. 4: She can talk non-stop. Before meeting her, I never came across a gal so closely so for me that is also a quality. How can anyone speak so non-stop and only stops for breathing in between. So the advantage is she never knows that you are not talking. You need not to start any topic.

Quality No. 5: She understands. Now that is the quality that I think every sensible girl has. She understands and can empathize. It's not that I want empathy(i m a boy and i've a ego to maintain) but it always feels good if the gal you admire understands you. You never know :P...

Quality No. 6: Her eyes twinkle. That completely stupifies me. Whenever she smiles sparks flow out of her eyes. I've only heard that kind of things in slow moving love stories and from some of my dumb-to-be-avoided friends about their more-dumb girlfriends, but that was true.

Rest later....(All characters in the above post are fictious. Any resemblance to any girl that I met is completely coincidental. :P No offence.)

Monday, October 27, 2008

1 more diwali in blore

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So few things never change, like me being in blore on Diwali… It has been 3 years when i was at home on Diwali… So here I am with a laptop,chai ka cup and internet connection in bangalore… Thankfully no one is here so its quite relaxing. Hulk will drop by sometime but still its nice n peaceful.
Looking at my tea, i realized a lot of comments has been passed on my tea-making ability. I am a tea addict. Blood runs in my caffeine. Few of those comments are listed below:
Comment No 1: Koi itni ghatiya chai kaise bana sakta hai(Sami Hayeh(his pronunciation of H))
Comment No 2: I dont kno how but eveytime ur tea’s taste is worst than before and different too. How come?(name disclosed due to obvious reasons.;))
Comment No 3: It looks like the water my grand ma use to give her cattle.(x-(… myself)
Comment No 4: Tu amisha patel se to acchi chai bana leta hai sayad.(Santya when he saw amisha’s tea in Bhool Bhulayyia)
Comment No 5: Muje utni hi dena jitni main jhel sakta hun teri chai.(whn i asked how much tea do u want…)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Be a Child

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“I know you are not beyond pettiness, beyond jealousy, beyond greed, beyond anger. But I don’t talk about going beyond them for the simple reason that if you start struggling with your pettiness you will remain petty; if you start struggling against your jealousy, you will remain jealous.

An ancient proverb is:”Always choose the enemy carefully”— because you will be fighting with him, and in fighting you will become just like the enemy because you will have to use the same methods, the same means.

Enemies are very precious.

I don’t want you to fight with small things. Rather than looking down at the earth, and all around is your pettiness and jealousy and anger, my effort is to show you the stars and help you to know that you have wings. And once you start moving towards the stars, those small things will disappear on their own accord. “

“Whenever you understand that you have missed life, the first principle to be brought back is innocence. Drop your knowledge, forget your scriptures, forget your religions, your theologies, your philosophies.

Be born again, become innocent — and it is in your hands. Clean your mind of all that is not known by you, of all that is borrowed, all that has come from tradition, convention, all that has been given to you by others —parents, teachers, universities. Just get rid of it.

Once again be simple, once again be a child.

By OSHO(courtesy Kashyap) :)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


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मकां -

मकां की ऊपरी मंज़िल पे अब कोई नहीं रहता,
वो कमरे बन्द हैं कब से
जो चौबीस सीढियां उन तक पहुंचती थी,
वो अब ऊपर नहीं जाती.

मकां की ऊपरी मंज़िल पर
अब कोई नहीं रहता

वहां पर कमरों मे इतना याद है मुझको,
खिलौने एक पुरानी टोकरी में भर के रखे थे,
बहुत से तो उठाने, फ़ेंकने, रखने में चूरा हो गये थे.

वहां एक बालकनी भी थी,
जहां एक बेंत का झूला लटकता था.
मेरा एक दोस्त था 'तोता',
वो रोज़ आता था,
उसको हरी मिर्ची खिलाता था,
उसी के सामने छत थी जहां
एक मोर बैठा, आसमान पर
रात भर मीठे सितारे चुगता रहता था.

मेरे बच्चों ने वो देखा नहीं,
वो नीचे की मंज़िल पे रहते हैं,
जहां पर पियानो रखा है,
पुरानी पारसी स्टाइल का
फ़्रेजर से खरीदा था.
मगर कुछ बेसुरी आवाज़ें करता है,
कि उसकी रीड्स सारी हिल गयी हैं,
सुरों पर दूसरे सुर चढ गये हैं

उसी मंज़िल पे एक पुश्तैनी बैठक थी...
[मकां ज़रा बड़ा है इसलिये नज़्म भी बढ़ गयी है... माफ़ कीजियेगा, कमरे ज्यादा हैं..]

जहां पुरखों की तस्वीरें लटकती थी
मैं सीधा करता रहता था
हवा फ़िर टेढा कर जाती
बहू को मूंछो वाले सारे पुरखे
’क्लिशे’ लगते थे,
मेरे बच्चों ने आखिर उनको कीलों से उतारा
पुराने न्यूज़पेपर में
उन्हें महफ़ूज़ करके रख दिया था,
मेरा एक भांजा ले जाता है
फ़िल्मों में कभी सेट पर लगाता है
किराया मिलता है उनसे.

मेरी मंज़िल पे मेरे सामने मेहमानखाना है
मेरे पोते कभी अमरिका से आयें तो रुकते हैं
अलग साइज़ में आते हैं,
जितनी बार आते है
खुदा जाने वो ही आते हैं या
हर बार कोई दूसरा आता है

वो एक कमरा जो पीछे की तरफ़ बन्द है
जहां बत्ती नहीं जलती
वहां एक रोज़री रखी है वो उस से महकता है
वहां वो दाई रहती थी
जिसने तीन बच्चों को बड़ा करने में
अपनी उम्र दे दी थी
मरी तो मैने दफ़नाया नहीं,
महफ़ूज़ करके रख दिया उसे

और उसके बाद एक दो सीढ़ियां है
नीचे तहखाने में जाती है
जहां खामोशी रोशन है,
सुकूं सोया है
बस इतनी सी पहलू में जगह रखकर
कि जब मैं सीढ़ियों से नीचे आऊं
तो उसी के पहलू में, बाजुओं पर सर रख कर गले लग जाऊं
सो जाऊं

मकां की ऊपरी मंज़िल पे अब कोई नहीं रहता....


Thursday, October 9, 2008


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In daily life, these are the times which really make you to sit back and think. Think about the mistakes you always want to undone. What will happen if you really know that you are going to die. Will you regret for things not done, will you regret for holding back, will you regret for happiness not shared, for love not shown, for struggles you did not fight? or most selfish of all will you regret for dying alone.

By Anonymous...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


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There are many things which make us different from people around us. And there are things which make us unique. Those are called Instincts. No, these instincts has nothing to do with your decision making power, your greatness, blah blah blah. I am talking about the natural instincts (I am not able to find any other word for it). The instincts you were born with.

When we were kids, all things that we did, were outcome of our instincts. We fought, we cried, we loved not because we understood but because our instincts told us to do so.

 I saw a dog, a limp dog, he was doing everything a normal dogs do. He ran after other dogs, wagged, sat down, eyes asking for food. Everything was normal except he has only 3 legs. But his instincts made him to struggle , to live , to play the part for which he is made for. He might know that he is no match for others but he is trying his best to keep up, to live, to be normal or may be to be happy. Then I saw a family of beggars. Family? Yes. You’ll find many of those in b’lore. All capable of working. Even having children. I’ve came across them 5 times till now. They are not handicapped, but still incapable of doing things which normal people do. One has its natural instincts alive, their’s died long ago.

Leave the beggars, may be they are not fortunate enough. Analyse yourself, we, the whole, can’t even live our live happily. Just 1 setback and we start complaining. Just 1 defeat, 1 bad day, 1 heartbreak and we are not ourselves. Think sometime why we were happy when we were kids. Keep your instincts alive and live, share happiness.

Inspiration : Beans, whose spirit always inspires :)... Thank you...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What is ?

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In a classroom there were several kids, when one of them asked the teacher:

- Teacher, what is LOVE ?

The teacher felt the kid deserved the best answer she could give to that intelligent question. Since it was almost time for a break, she asked every student to go around the school and come back with something that would bring the feeling of love.

The kids rushed out the classroom, and when they came back the teacher said:

- So, I want everybody to show what you brought to the whole class.

The first kid said:

- I brought this FLOWER, isn't it beautiful ?

The second kid said:

- I brought this BUTTERFLY. Look at these colorful wings, I am gonna put it in my collection !

The third kid said:

- I brought this YOUNG BIRD. It had fallen with another one from the nest. Isn't it cute ?

And the kids were showing what they brought.

After almost everybody had showed their discoveries, the teacher noticed that there was a kid who had been quiet all the time. She was ashamed because she had not brought anything.The teacher went to her and asked:

- My dear, why haven't you brought anything ?

She then answered in an innocent voice:

- I am sorry teacher. I saw the FLOWER, and felt its perfume. I was going to take it, but I preffered to leave it so its perfume would last longer and others could feel it. I also saw the BUTTERFLY, soft, colorful..she seemed so happy that I did not want to disturb it. I also saw the YOUNG BIRD that had fallen between the leafs, but as I climbed the tree, I noticed the said look of it's mother, so I decided to return it to the nest. Therefore, I only bring with me: the perfume of the flower, the feeling of liberty of the butterfly and the gratefulness of the look of the little bird's mother. How can I show you what I brought?

The teacher thanked the young kid and gave her an A, because she was the only one that realized that we can only bring LOVE in our hearts.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Not Just 3 Mistakes

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No I did not read the book this time. But the title caught my mind at the right time I think. Sometimes I think my life has been a collection of mistakes. Every now and then I realized I am making a mistake but the best part was, I did that anyway.You must make mistakes to learn, to grow and to believe. Sometimes a mistake created a void in my life which only grew bigger as I met new people, made new relations. Nothing,no one has ever been able to fill that void and I wont let anyone to do that it either.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Magic of Love - 1

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I was reading a quote about love and told 1 of my friend about it. She immediately stopped doing whatever she was doing and the first thing she did was, forwarded that quote to one she loved. That was then I thought about the magic of love. Is not it amazing? You hear something and the picture of someone appears instantly. Its very hard to explain what you feel when you are in love. For me its impossible because I never fell in love with anyone. May be that was unfortunate or may be fortunate. But whatever I've heard from people aroung me like this friend of mine I will tell you. And also about the longing which I feel sometimes.

1. 1 of my friend told me, when you are in love small things add up to one magical world. I dont know what he meant at that time because those talks really bored me at those times and above all he was a shit-head(oops). But now I realize what that fool means. He wanted to tell me that everything seems to be special when you are in love. I remembered him ordering 2 glasses on juice in mess all times, the 1 that he drinks was paid by her and vice versa. He use to find reasons to show his love and surprisingly that senseless gal use to do same. I saw him watching intently towards her room in girls hostel. Fortunately for him girls hostel was close enough to have a clear vision ;). But his reason was love. For him love has created a magical world out of small things. There were many incidents but space does not allow me to tell them.

2. He was weird/philosophical but 1 thing that made him common was love. He was a different species of lovers, the one sided ones. And the amazing part was he was happy. Just being in touch with her made him happy. I saw sparks flowing out of his eyes whenever he saw her, talked with her. He often told me "when you are in love, everything seems fine. World is a better place." I use to wonder how. Now I realize how. Whenever he was angry, he reached to her and everything was fine. Whenever he was sad, he talked to her and everthing was fine. Everything about world was fine because she was the part of his world. In fact she was his world I guess. Fortunately she also realized that, although after 1 boyfriend, but they are living happily. An ideal example of "Love will find its way".:)

3. He was the one whom I least suspected will fall in love. He was a looser(Although lesser than me since he at least got 1). But someone once told me "Love transforms and if its true, it does that for good." He just sat with a girl once in class. She realized he was a looser because somehow he is not able to understand things being taught in class. And the reason was he was not from an English medium. Most of girls will never entertain such a guy. But she did. She explained her everything, sometimes more than required ;).(You dirty minds.) And he started doing wonders. This was the first time I have seen love growing. It was not for looks, it was for two souls destined to converge into one.Continued...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Happiness is Easy :)

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If you will look around, you'll see where you can find happiness. Dont ever look at me. I smile without any reasons and I do have a whole stack of PJs.

1st Smile: The first one who smiled was me. While I was going to office I saw a girl waking up at 11 O'clock. She just opened the door and the first face she saw was of me. She smiled I smiled back.(Am I a clown?)

2nd Smile: I like watchin out of window while I travel to office. I saw 1 kid running behind other. They were both laughing. Happiness is easy you see.

3rd Smile: A college couple holding their hands. They were both talking and smiling. The thing about being in love is you Smile even when you are alone. Isn't it amazing?

4th Smile: I reached office and everyone was smiling. Okay now this is a professional smile but anyway we smiled.

5th Smile: I was taking a break and a half paralysed old man asked where Dr. X and Dr. Y are? He was smiling constantly. I asked him twice what he was saying. I was lost in his smile. This is amazing again. People who somehow are incapable make up with things which capable people find difficult. How hard is smiling?

6th Smile: While coming back to home I was listening songs on headphone and making weird songs. Two kids in front of start giggling and soon they were laughing,smiling and singing and ofcourse teasing me. Yeah I am a clown. Although they did not even know any word of Hindi. But the song they were singing was "Aashiq Banaya Aapne". Himesh there is nowhere escaping you:(.Since the time I started my day to the end of it there were many instances where I saw happiness. You see happiness is not that much difficult. Just look around and feel. Dont think you are confused, you are just inquisitive.

Friday, July 4, 2008


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When I get bored by work and reading I just anonymously google. And this time I read about the place I born, Gopeshwar. I still remember the fields in Gopeshwar gaon where I use to run around, fight with kids, play cricket and reach home with so much dirt on me. Those were really golden moments. But the place I most remember is the Gopinath temple. Its trident or Trishul which I use to think was of Lord Shiva. The trident dates back to 12th century and still has no sign of rust. Amazing!!! Then the Big Hanuman Statue. The magnicient dome, the sanctoram, the Ramlila, the daily pooja(prayer). Its really hard to forgot.
The legend told me that we being born in Gopeshwar has blessings of Gopinath, Lord Shiva. I always felt protected in the temple when I was kid. I use to wonder about big stones so neatly cut and the engravings on it. My Naniji(maternal grand mother) told me that the temple was built by Pandavas themselves, otherwise no human being can lift such big stones.
I also remember the Ramlilas where I use to put my cloth in front of stall. That was kind of seat booking in North India. Although as I grew up I realized those were boring. But the stories Naniji told me were really awesome. She told me the meaning of my name with reference to Hanuman ji and I felt very proud. There are million of things that I can tell about my childhood in Gopeshwar. For me it'll be 1 of the most beautiful and memorable place for me.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


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Life,not me, has changed a lot for me since I left Srinagar. Although none of my friends who met me here in NCR failed to recognize me. According to them I am the same Atul of SGRR. I met 1 of my close friends after 8 years. He is 6 feet tall now and 4 girlfriends old and still counting. And when he saw me, his face changed from shock to amusement and then happiness. And when I told him I don’t even have a girlfriend. He mourned for half an hour and still mourns on phone. According to his philosophical self, I am in deep grief and the reason is because I don’t have a girlfriend. What a crap. I wonder how much people change with time. And y haven’t I changed?
I was born and brought up in small towns of Garhwal and in my times just helping a girl to carry her bag was a social issue. Immediately my teachers told my parents because it was their duty to protect a studious kid.(Again a crap.)And then my parents teased me very badly for about a week and I wondered what happened. I was just a kid. Even your friends will kill you for that. So I did not even help another girl after that:). But with time I matured much faster than kids of my age. I had a better understanding of relations than others. But this maturity robbed me of my spark and ofcourse innocence.
Talking about change, some of my friends changed drastically. I talked to 1 of my school friend as she was also in Gurgaon. This was the first time I talked with her since in school I was rather shy. She was speaking in English. Come on. She barely got pass marks in English. I think its the call center effect or the delhi effect. Delhi affects small town people a lot. They become free and restless ;). Some manage to hold their integrity, some cannot.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

June 26 2008

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Yesterday 3 things happenend one after another:

1st: People around me are sad. But I wish everthing becomes normal.

2nd: I met an accident for the first time in Gurgaon:)and doctor said nothing happened. A car hit on my leg while I was riding on bike with my friend. Batao...

3rd: Yesterday also, for the first time in my life I wore Pink Shorts. Who in the world wears pink shorts :(.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

In times of Grief and sorrow

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“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you,
and take your grief and make it my own;
When you cry, I cry,
and when you hurt, I hurt;
And together we will
try to hold back the floods of tears and despair
and make it through the potholed streets of life.”
- From ‘The Notebook’ by Nicholas

Missing someone is really painful. And the worst part is if you can only miss and nothing else.

Being Alone

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I am writing after a long time since for the 1st time here in Gurgaon I am not feeling nice. Today is 1 of those days when I sit and don't feel like doing anything. I tried watching "My Sassy Girl" but the feeling was not there. I was not able to enjoy the movie so I switched to next movie "Just Like Heaven". And then the feeling of being lonely crept again and more strongly this time. The hero was alone and the only one he got to talk was a ghost. What a jerk. I don't know whether its a blessing or curse but when I come back home today I wanted to talk to someone. I tried calling some but then I felt not to. I am feeling very bad for even trying to call them at night. I am sorry. I somehow don't want to accept some facts,some changes,the truth and thus I think even God is working hard to make me accept those. Nobody will like to talk to a whining guy whose relation is a burden to them or I feel that way if its not. Many time I felt a relation not worthy of carrying on or I can say I did not deserve that relation. I am on that crossroad again. Its not love in relation that hurts but its the expectations. Sometimes you expect too much out of a relation, out of life that... Oh forget it what a crap. Its time to move on. I always liked people who have many friends. I tried to be like them but in vain. I changed myself in that quest but in vain. No matter how close I can be with someone, I can never bind. I don't know why. May be its a self preservation kind of thing :). And the worst part is I can't even sleep before a fixed time. Life sucks man, life really sucks now.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

My Mom

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Hmmm… I have not been to my home from past 2 years coz I was inbangalore n never felt like coming. But now I am in Gurgaon, so closeto my home Dehradun but still not able to go :(...For me home means Mom:)… I wonder how moms know everything before handmay be coz we, children are a part of them. I still remember timeswhen I was a kid and I use to cry when my mom use to. I don't know why but may be its coz we are so much bonded that we can feel the samepain that they are feeling or may be a child thinks that the best wayto share her pain. Whatever may be the reason but still the factremains the same that mother and child are divinely interconnected. Oras I said since we are part of them.Even today whenever I talk to her I make sure I do not sound negativeor exhausted coz she then has a whole list of things that I must do.Wake up in morning, always think positive, pray to God for things hehas given me……. There were times when I failed to achieve whatever Iwanted to but she never lost trust in me and as mothers do she againhas a long list of inspirational talks. Everything happens for good,look at other underprivileged children they don't even have food toeat, God has decided something better for you, work hard, everythingwill fall into place………..She always want me to believe in God and thinks everything will bealright if I just pray 1 time a day which surprisingly I do. If thereis one person with whom I do not speak logic she is my mom. Somehowshe also believes that I am very samajdar and so she talks with mewhenever she feels low.
She is very cute though and never looses any opportunity to crackjokes on me or bhaiya or papa. Generally I skip lunch on weekends dueto my laziness and she somehow came to know about that too. So 1 dayshe was angry and she came to know that again that day I skippedbreakfast and lunch she bombarded me with whatever words she canthought off. Although she kind of let her whole frustration about mebut again I was rolling on floor with laughter.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

where women are held in esteem

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From Swami Vivekananda's letter to Shashi (Swami Ramakrishnanda), 19th March, 1884:

[...] I now see it all. Brother, यत्र नार्यस्तु पूज्यन्ते रमन्ते तत्र देवता :- "The gods are pleased where the women are held in esteem" -- says the old Manu. We are horrible sinners, and our degradation is due to our calling women "despicable worms", "gateways to hell", and so forth. Goodness gracious! There is all the difference between heaven and hell! यथातथ्यत्योर्थान व्यद्घात -- "He adjudges gifts according to the merits of the case." Is the Lord to be hoodwinked by idle talk? The Lord has said, त्व स्त्री त्व पुमानसी त्वं कुमार उत वा कुमारी -- "Thou art the woman, Thou art the man, Thou art the boy and the girl as well." (Shwetashwatara Upa.) And we on our part are crying, दुराम्परापसर रे चंडाल -- "Be off, thou outcaste!" केनैषा नीर्मिता नारी मोहिनी etc. -- "By whom was made the bewitching woman?" My brother, what experiences I have had in the South, of the upper classes torturing the lower! What Bacchanalian orgies within the temples! Is it a religion that fails to remove the misery of the poor and turn men into gods! Do you think our religion is worth the name? Ours is only Don't-touchism, only "Touch me not", "Touch me not". Good heavens! A country, the big leaders of which have for the last two thousand years been only discussing whether to take food with the right hand or the left, whether to take water from the right-hand side or the left, ... if such a country does not go to ruin what other will? कालः सुप्तेषु जागर्ति कालो हि दुरतिक्रमः -- "Time keeps wide awake when all else sleeps. Time is invincible indeed!" He knows it; who is there to throw dust in His eyes, my friend?

Gurgaon ki hawa

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With a dramatic turn of events I found myself in Gurgawaan(Beans says it like that. Testing her singing skills on gurgaon I think). I mean I was having a good Sunday afternoon sleep in Bangalore and then got a call that I have to go to Gurgaon that very night J. Somehow I am use to of these sudden changes. So next day, when I woke up I found myself at a place where I was craving to go from last 3 years. Although reasons changed with time but still I wanted to come here.
First week was as usual, hectic and exciting. Telling everyone that I am here. Only selected few knew that I was here. And as I thot the weekend was like I always dreamed of. Going out, meeting friends, running here and there J. And somewhere in the back of my mind my eyes were searching for someone I was always searching for.
So, the weekend was very rocking in comparison to wat I use to do in Bangalore. I went Noida, chatted with friends till 4 o’clock, goti bhai k hath ka kadi chawal aur Sunday ko mani k sath shopping cum chatting cum roaming. She is really nice, above my expectations. She has talks for any issue on earth J.
The change was really refreshing. Now I am eagerly waiting for meeting more of my friends this weekend too. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

1st of April 2008

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hmmm...My last entry was unknowingly(by me) a bit negative... I did not mean it to be that way I just wanted to spill my heart out n this happens this way if you are alone...U say many things you dont want to say... It's not that I am depressed or frustrated... I was just bored of life at that moment and the feeling passed away when the phone rang just after that... So many cool things happened after that and believe me those were not because of the blog... As this boring weekend was coming to an end, an unexpected phone call came from a friend :)... This is really strange though, the person who have never seen you or met you sometimes understand you much better than those who do... And you can talk with them as if you know them for ages... I guess this is how a life connects to another... A circle of life kind of thing...

And then the other day I got a surprise too... Oh, its a secret not to be told... The one who need to be, knows it anyway...

I dont know where the turn of events will end up... But one thing is sure, some people just leave the footprints in your life... Hope to see you soon friend...I am still figuring out how the one who have never met me or only seen me can understand what I feel and when...

Then there is this destiny thing... I dont want to rely on destiny because I did not want to take any chances now. What if things did not happen the way we want them to? What if everything would have better if we have tried... I have no choice but respect the decision because there is nothin better that I can do now except wait... It sounds childish though...

I know most of the part you won't understand...Coz I dont want to...

I almost finished the Deathly Hallows too...Hmmm I like a diverse variety of books and I never knew the reason why...I liked FountainHead, Alchemist, Q & A, All Harry Potter series, Zahir etc...

Sunday, March 30, 2008

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Ha...Jaise taise I spend 1 more week of my life...Living inside my room...In college when I was in a single seater room in my hostel I use to hate it coz it was small n did'nt have much space...But now we have a 2 BHK in Bangalore n I hate it too for being so big that whn I m alone it haunts me...Strange feeling though...

I am thinking weird stuff now a days...The more I think of not thinking abt :), the more I find myself thinking abt :)...For all my life I longed for a someone like :), but when I found, I was dumb enough to let :) go...yeah I made mistakes n realized that life is all about choices. I choose to be what I am now, if not everybody... The more I talk to anyone n think, the more I realize how far I've come,how much I've changed... But 1 thing which I always wanted to change n it never changed... The part of :) in me... It will never let me b alone but it'll never let me with anyone else... Whenever I meet or talk with anyone else I realize the part(of :)) in me is getting jealous...

I often find people asking me what did u do in weekend n those r d times whn u think let d cracks open in earth n swallow u coz u've no answers... wat can I say "I dont have any friends. Blah blah blah"...Those r all lies, d fact is I dont want to...I like 2 b alone...I dont like to go out...Y is it necessary to go out on weekend if u r a software guy...This engineer thing sumtimes piss me off...

I am reading Harry Potter n deathly Hallows... Atleast there is sumthin dat I still enjoy otherwise I was in utter belief that i dont feel now(well most of the muggles think that I dont feel anymore:))...

Friday, March 28, 2008

28th March 2008

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The same shit happens again and again...Again you think that a hope is there but you know that there is no hope... There is a great deal of difference between emotions and logic... One gives you reality, other a dream...
I am fed of this emotions and all... These things pull me down... These things make me sad... These things give me hope...
Life sucks and so do I...:)...
I am so much confused... I dont know what to do... life ne muje kabhi seriously nahi liya aur na maine kabhi life ko... Marenge dono ek din...

Whenever I love myself

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Whenever I love myself enough
I come to see that I am not special, but I am unique

Whenever I love myself enough
I love being alone surrounded by silence, awed by its spell listening to its spell.

Whenever I loved myself enough
I took the gift of life seriously and gratefully

Whenever I love myself enough
I quit settling for too little

Whenever I love myself enough
I no longer need things or people to make me safe.

Whenever I love myself enough
I stop blaming myself for choices I made-which made me feel safe and start taking responsibility of those.

Whenever I love myself enough
I travel just for the scenic ride.

Whenever I love myself enough
I leave whatever was unhealthy. This could be ego, showoff, people, habits, fear, job-anything that keeps me small.

Whenever I love myself enough
I gave up perfectionism- that kills little joyous moments.

When I loved myself enough
I never had to lie.

When I loved myself enough
I could understand the meaning of winning the presence of God and let it be within you.

Whenever I love myself enough
I started writing about my life there is nothing interesting than that.

Whenever I love myself enough
I began to see my purpose and gently wean myself from distractions.

Whenever I love myself enough
I stopped caring how others feel about me.

Whenever I love myself enough
I could love everything around me, nature, people, weather, life.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

27th March 2008

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another day w/0 ur smile...another day just passes by...
he he he...

I always think abt this weird song...I've never seen a looser like me b4 in my life...I had 92 percentile in CAT and i didn't even see that because I thot I wont score...can u believe that...

Today is same old day...I am getting transferred and this KT kind of thing is really pissing me off...Today I read a blog n I am glad I read that(No offense B...:))...I thot only I use to spend weekends like that...But the pblm with me is I enjoy living like that now...she doesn't...she reminded me of many things...Things from which/whom I always ran away...I pretended to be strong but I was not...I pretended I dont need but I do...

But that's life...sapne purey hi ho jaate to unhe sapne kaun kehta...this is my copyright line:)...yeah I think weird stuffs now a always think weird stuff...

I am bored with life...

a looser who is not a looser at all...

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I walked a mile wit sorrow,n nvr a word said she...but Oh things i learned frm her whn sorrow walked wit me...

This is a futile attempt from a looser to do something he always wanted to but he is different from other losers in a way that he never looses hope.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

...Robert Frost.

Well, I am what I am. I have travelled a long way to see this day. I am just a boy next door who has dreams which I thot were foolish. I never thot wat I want from life. I took it as it came. I dont kno wats goin to happen in my life as many unexpected things happened but thats life. A constant adventure(like Luffy says in One Piece). A struggle. A surprise. I am surprising myself. Life is surprising me. (It’s a vicious circle I tell you).
I am one of the laziest person I’ve ever met but sumhow my life also sounds like a story. althou I tried my best to keep it as simple and meaningless as i can.
About Me:
I am really fed up of this question. After giving 100′s of interviews and getting rejected, this question brings a shiver in my body starting from my hand to deep within my soul. But guess no escaping from this question.
Who am I:
I am Atul Rawat, but called by many different names some I love some I hate.  So you can call me whatever you mind, I dont give a damn.
Why am I here:
Lonely weekends, extra time, a sea of thoughts and an urge for writing are responsible for this blog. I use this as a medium to share what I feel, to make new friends and to kill my time.
What’s here:
Here you will find blogs about my loneliness, about sudden outburst for feelings like love, hate, happiness, sadness, and of course a girl, some songs that I love, some poems that I have read, some photos that I saw.
What am I:
I am a Data Analyst by profession, a software engineer by education and a mix of devil-angel by heart. I am a loner, an avid reader(or so I think), an aspiring writer(yeah why not!), a dreamer(only a dreamer, I dont act on it), an easy lover(I didn’t find any word. I mean to say I love very easily. If anything I have to give others it’s love), a pessimist (it’s not a bad thing) and a great/honest friend(so they say).
Places where you can find me:
If this means physically. I’ll be at my office on weekdays and home (in a particular room with an internet connection, a laptop, a mattress lying on floor, a table, a chair and a lamp cover given by one of my friends, a surprisingly close friend(or so I think), she is weird) on weekends. Except these places don’t expect me to be anywhere else. In blog world you can again read me at,